What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize