I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
