Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
