i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
