Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
