I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Don't EVER smell your tampon
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
