it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
