listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
