that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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