It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
