Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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