Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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