take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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