How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
