I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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