Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
