I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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