This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
