why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
