fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
