The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I got inside last night via doggy door
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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