We won't sleep together?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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