Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
