How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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