The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
