shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
