He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
