I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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