Soap is not a condiment
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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