There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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