she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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