he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Can I color on your dick again?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
