some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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