Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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