Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
