the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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