and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
