you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
