During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
