You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
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Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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