If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
