guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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