Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
