Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
