1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
