he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
this beer tastes like vomit already
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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