My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
