Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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