My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
