First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i was born a porn star she said
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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