Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
