Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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