Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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