he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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