If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
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We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
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Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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