You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Redeem this text for a blowjob
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
you made out with another girl for some wings
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
