Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
