He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
