I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
