i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
